RANDOM JOTTINGS FROM A VERY DISORGANIZED MIND WE'VE GOT A BIGGER PROBLEM NOW As if we didn't have enough to worry about, along comes the news that mud dauber wasps living around the dormant nuclear power plant in Hanford, Washington, are using radioactive mud to build their nests snugly in the nice warm cracks of Bechtel's still-beaucoups-dangerous "H" reactor! "More than dozens" of radioactive wasp nests have been discovered by concerned investigators, who are trying to get the bugs to relocate and switch over to non-contaminated mud sources. So far, the plan doesn't seem to be working, which is perfectly understandable once you realize - as yer old pal Jerky has - that the wasps are actually seeking out the radioactive mud on purpose. You see, mud dauber wasps don't use their stingers to kill. No… that would be too easy. These diabolical creatures use the venom in their stingers to paralyze their pray. Then, they insert an ovipositor and lay eggs in the victim's body. Finally, they bury the victim up to its neck in mud, and wait for baby to hatch. After that, baby eats its way out of the still living host, which feels everything, and can't do anything about it. If you've seen Aliens, that's basically what yer old pal Jerky is describing, here. Folks, evil that pure can only be after one thing... total global domination. Plans are currently under way to tear down and seal up the contaminated site, which produced explosive plutonium cores for the most destructive class of nuclear warheads produced during the Cold War arms race, but don't they see that it's already too late? The fools! There's no stopping them now! Don't you hear it? That inhuman sound, never before heard by human ears!? That infernal buzzing just beyond the horizon?! Can't you see the darkening sky, the mantle of amber, chitinous twilight that draws over to consumes us, we who are doomed to a short but too long half-life as both host and feast to the progeny of our venom-dripping conquerors?! Who can save us now? Who… but the robots?! Yes, of course! The ROBOTS!!! Come one and all! Let us get down on our knees and PRAY for the ROBOTS to deliver us from our would-be conquerors, the GIANT RADIOACTIVE MUTATED MUD DAUBER WASPS!!! *** **** *** Our resident mad scientist of RAWK ties up some loose ends and revisits some recent dearly departeds this week, with the conclusion of his series on Narvel Addams's long lost unsung Z-grade schlock masterpiece: The Three Headed Transplant! All that, and a hit parade of obscure rock-n-roll must-haves you gotta download off Kazaa before they shut that shit down! This week, in Rotwang's Rock and Roll Deathlab! CONSUMER INFORMATION ALERT! The entirely fictional I.D.E.O.T. (Institute for Dignity in Entertainment Or Technology) have issued a consumer alert that those who play cooperative videogames such as Digimon have a far greater likelihood of falling prey to forcible sodomization than those who don't. So buyer beware. And speaking of forced anal sex, here's an extra bonus marijuana-induced very bad joke crafted by yours truly with love for all who read it: Q: What would California gubernatorial candidate Arnold Schwarzenegger say if he wanted to use a credit card to pay for a speghetti dinner he's just eaten at a restaurant owned by the woman who played the character of Lilith on the NBC sitcom Cheers? A: (in your best "Ah-nold" accent) "Pasta la Visa, Bébé!" Like I said, don't blame me... blame the weed. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! August 23 On this day in 1968, drummer Ringo Starr quits the Beatles over a minor disagreement. He soon comes to the terrifying realization that he's RINGO STARR, for fuck's sake, and promptly returns, tail tucked tightly between his legs, acting as though nothing ever happened, hoping nobody would say anything. Taking pity on him, John Lennon, Paul McCartney and George Harrison let it slide. On this day in 1863, a Confederate-sympathizing, slavery-supporting reprobate by the name of William C. Quantrill led his 450 guerrila-style "raiders" in a violent attack on the city of Lawrence, Kansas. The gang - which included the infamous James and Younger crime gangs - burned down most major buildings in the city, and killed over 200 men and boys. Whatta buncha fuckin' assholes. August 24 Even though their nation didn't exist at the time, many Canadians consider August 24 of 1814 to be their finest hour. Why? Because that's the day when they woke up on the wrong side of their igloos, crept on tippy-toes to Washington DC, and burned down the Capitol building. To that yer old pal Jerky says: Whoopdy-fuckin' shit! We were gonna remodel it anyway! On this day in 1572, the Saint Bartholomew's Day Massacre takes place in France when King Charles IX - acting on the wishes of his mother, Catherine de Medici - orders the assassination of French Protestant leaders, known as Hugenots, who were attending the marriage of their leader, Navarre, to the King's sister, in Paris. Once word got out the the King's men were killing Protestant leaders, Frenchmen across the nation went fricking bonkers, massacring any Protestant they could get their hands on. Despite a royal proclamation to cease and desist, the killings went on into October, by which time nearly seventy thousand French Protestants had been slaughtered. Meanwhile, up in heaven, Jesus and God look at each other and just shake their heads in disbelief at this buncha fuckin' assholes. August 25 On this day in 1996, Netscape launches Navio Communications. The new company was dedicated to integrating Netscape software into televisions, phones, cars, and other electronic devices. Thankfully, Bill Gates put a stop to that nonesense! On this day in 1609, medieval scientist/astronomer Galileo demonstrates his first telescope to Venetian lawmakers. Unfortunately, they turn out to be a buncha fuckin' assholes.

THEY SAID IT! "The British are reserved, the French are arrogant, the Italians are lovers, and the Germans like to spank each other. Sex will always be the dominant factor in any man's life - whether he realizes it or not. It's what motivates him to buy the car he drives, the house he lives in, and the clothes and jewelry he wears. Today, there are triple-X videos, adult channels, and pay-per-view films; there are strip clubs, phone sex, and most of all, Internet sites that have no restrictions. Attractive women are flooding the porn market in a way that surprises even me." - In an interview with Details magazine (they still publish that?!), 72-year-old Penthouse publisher Bob Guccione showcases the brilliant insight and worldly wisdom that helped destroy his publishing empire. *** **** *** "Dear friends, I am writing to you from a hotel room in Albuquerque, New Mexico, where I and 10 of my colleagues in the Texas Senate have been forced to reside for the past 20 days. If we return to our homes, families, friends, and constituents, the Governor of Texas will have us arrested. ... You may not have heard much about the current breakdown in Texas politics. The Republican power play in California has obscured the Republican power play in Texas that has forced my colleagues and me to leave the state. Recognizing that public pressure is the only thing that can break the current stalemate, our friends at MoveOn.org have offered to support our efforts by sharing this email with you." - Click here to read the rest of exiled Texas State Senator Rodney Ellis. You might think you know what's going on in the Lone Star State these days... but you probably don't.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Cineman. A tourist is directed to the red light district and he goes up to the appropriate door and knocks. A small sliding peephole opens and a pair of eyes appear as a female voice says "what do you want?" "I wanna get screwed." The guy says. The eyes peer left and right checking the street but it it's all quiet. "Fifty bucks." The man pulls out the money and hands it through the peephole which slides shut. He waits. And waits. And waits. Nothing. So he knocks on the door and the peephole opens up. "I wanna get screwed." He repeats. "What, again?" Says the voice. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Laura V for sending in today's second joke. Q: If two lesbians and two gay guys were going to the beach who would get there first? A: The gay guys... they already had their shit packed WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's worst joke was sent in by Tazman. this couple decided to have sex and didnt have any vasoline so they decided to use butter the next day the woman went in the store holding her finger in her pussy and the manager comes up to her and says mam do you have a problem she said every time i pull my finger away it says park ka butter park ka butter

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Jerky; Seeing as you're such a fan of Archetuthis Dux and Mesonychoteuthis Hamiltoni I'm wondering if you saw the show, The Future is Wild. Hypothetical monsters of the future; the first five million years were pretty average but in 100,000,000 years the giant Australian silver spiders were pretty sinister and the next intelligent civilisation, according to scientists, will be super-intelligent land squids who will have to fare against collosal land megasquids! Lovecraft would have been shitting his pants! Signed: Saxifrage A. Unfortunately, Sax, I didn't even know this show existed, and therefore missed it when it first aired, back in June. Fortunately, the excellent promotional website put up by the Discovery Channel to promote the show is still available, and is mighty fuckin' cool. WARNING! You shouldn't hit that link unless you've got a couple hours to spare. *** **** *** Does Jerky know? I have been wondering since I read about G. W. (Global Warming) Bush going AWOL for a year of his National Guard service: Did he continue to be paid during the time he was AWOL? Would that not constitute fraud? I know Dubya-Do-Wrong is guilty of MUCH worse than that, but it seems that it would be easily provable, and might be grounds for impeachment. It would definitely put a bad spotlight on him in conjunction with the military pay cuts, reduction of Vet benefits, and shutting down the Pentagon schools for military brats (the best public schools in the country). Signed: AdMat Unfortunately, I can't tell you whether or not Preznit Dubya got paid during his time absent from the National Guard, AdMat, because the Bush campaign refuse to release his military records (unlike Gore and McCain) during the Presidential campaign of 2000. Fortunately, there are a number of excellent websites covering this topic in a far more thorough and artful way than yer old pal Jerky is equipped to do. Perhaps the people who maintain these sites will be more able to answer your question. You can start with the encyclopaedic AwolBush.com and work your way through their links. Be sure to check out the excellent full page ad they couldn't get anybody to publish. *** **** *** Hello Jerky; Man I wish the Pentagon opened that betting parlor they were dreamin' up cause there ain't been sucha sure thing since freedom bit the dust in the US. Can't you see it, UN gone, hints that they may have found WMD's in Iraq. Just waitin for those pesky UN inspectors that made it out of the building to be recalled and blammo yes we found those WMD's right in Saddam's woodshed outback. "What? you want to see them? Well, sure! [quickly applied "made in rep. of North Korea" stamp] It says it right here on the box! Sorry now we must take them back... I mean return them to the US for safe keeping." Mark my words the headlines are coming soon so place your bets now on the exact day it will be announced. Happy Happy Joy Joy, Xpat So you're saying the USG bombed the UN in Iraq to make them call back their team? And this they're doing so that they'll be able to plant WMD when there's nobody around who might be able to tell that the weapons are fakes or plants? ... Naaaah.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: UDAY AND QUSAY'S OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS! Care of: Chris D Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated, a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers: Sooflay, the restauranteur. Guday the half-Australian brother. Huray the sports fanatic. Bejay the gay brother. Kuntay & Kintay the twins from the African mother. Sayhay the baseball player. Ojay the stalker / murderer. Gulay the singer / entertainer. Ebay the internet czar. Biliray the country music star. Ecksray the radiologist. Puray the blender factory owner. Regay the half-Jamaican brother. Tupay the one with bad hair. Among the sisters: Pusay the 'loose' 22 yr old Lattay the coffee shop owner Bufay the 300 pound sister Dushay the clean sister Phayray the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway the grocery store owner Ollay the half-mexican sister Gudlay the prostitute More will no doubt be discovered. - Chris D [You know Chris, yer old pal Jerky was originally going to run your submission as a "worst joke of the day." But then he realized he had tons of shitty jokes to choose from, and no Soapbox. So anyway, one thing led to another, and now I'd like to thank you for hepling me fill the empty space! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com