KID ROCK SEX TAPE / RICIN - WHICH IS WORSE? Click here to learn everything you ever wanted to know (but were afraid to ask) about the internment camps on American soil that are just waiting to be filled with people who pose a threat to an orderly national security. You know who you are. Wondering where the feds will find people willing to herd their fellow Americans into these camps? Look no further than last week's annual Conservative Political Action Conference, where the men are all angry and white (or, at least, they wish they were white), and the women all want to be Ann Coulter. Yer old pal Jerky doesn't agree with Holocaust denier David Irving's cuckoo claims, but neither does he agree with the Austrian government's decision to imprison him for three years over statements he made seven years ago, which he has since withdrawn and apologized for. In effect, if not intent, the courts have given Europe's relatively fallow Fascist and White Supremacist movements a martyr to rally 'round, and his crackpot beliefs a whole new cache. But as I read the news reports on this story, I couldn't help but wonder how our Evangelical brothers and sisters would like it if the government were to pass a law making it a jailable offense to deny the scientific reality of evolution, or to claim that the universe is only 6000 years old. All three stances involve a stubborn refusal to admit the veracity of overwhelming physical historical evidence, and all three are helping to make this world a dumber, nastier place for all of us to live in. Here's a different view. Want to watch video of a discombobulated government stooge freaking the fuck out in the midst of attempting to quash public concerns about Diebold's crappy, dangerously compromised e-voting machines? Then click here. If you've just accidentally swallowed some household cleanser and don't have easy access to an ipecac, get out your Clockwork Orange lid-clamps because I've got four horrifying words for you: Kid Rock Sex Tape. And as if that wasn't enough to make you spew hot chunks of tuna caserole like a Maximum Overdrive garbage disposal, the hideous viddy also features the carnal talents of Creed frontman Scott Stapp. In the immortal words of George C. Scott: "Turn it off... TURN IT OFF!!!" Often, a wife fails to realize that doubts due to one intimate neglect shut her out from happy married love. Thankfully, the good people at Lysol have come up with the perfect solution (no pun intended). Use whenever needed! And it makes a great cocktail! OMG THE RICIN!!! Terrorists are using rolls of quarters to spread the RICIN!!! The dirty bastards are targetting University of Texas students with the RICIN!!! Sound the alarms! Lock down the borders! Round up the Arabs! Light up the Terror Tree, it's RICIN!!! Oh, the HUMANITY!!! What's that you say? Really?! Oh... Never mind. *** **** *** CONGRATULATIONS, SO-DAKS! Kudos on being the ones to finally go ahead and pass a law making 95% of abortions illegal, thus tipping the first domino in a clickety cascade that will inevitably lead to a Supreme Court Showdown on Roe versus Wade. Extra Brownshirt Points are also your due, for blocking measures that would have allowed exeptions in the case of rape, incest or danger to the mother's health. Shows you're serious about this issue, that you aren't just dicking the Christian crazies around with cheap talk, like most so-called "conservative" politicians do these days. I mean, it's not like you needed to take up this righteous sword. With only one in five hundred South Dakotan females opting to terminate a pregnancy in any given year, and only a single, solitary abortion clinic in your entire state -- open one day a week, and staffed by doctors who fly in from Minnesota -- you aren't exactly drowning in a crimson tide of foetal effluvia. So obviously, your intentions are entirely selfless. Gosh, but I'm proud of you! You know what? This calls for something special. How about a new design for your state license plates? You could even hold a contest! Here's my submission: Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY February 24 On this day in 1868, the first Mardi Gras -- complete with floats, beads and boobies -- takes place in New Orleans. Laissez les bons temps roulez, motherfuckers! 1917 - World War I: The U.S. ambassador to the United Kingdom is given the Zimmermann Telegram, in which Germany pledges to ensure the return of New Mexico, Texas, and Arizona to Mexico if that country declares war on the United States. On this day in 1970, America's taxpayer-funded National Public Radio (NPR) is incorporated. All things considered, it was a waste of money. On this day in 1989, the Ayatollah Ruhollah "ass-a-hole-ah" Khomeini puts a $3 million bounty on author Salman Rushdie's head. On this day in 1992, mopey heroin-addicted icon Kurt Cobain marries scuzzy lunatic whore Courtney Love and they lived happily ever after. February 25 On this day in 1751, the first performing monkey is exhibited in America. At the time, nobody could have guessed that this was the inaugural trip at the top of the slippery slope that led to a performing monkey being installed in the White House, two and a half centuries later. On this day in 1964, boxer Cassius Clay TKOs the fearsome champion, Sonny Liston, in the 7th round, thus winning the world heavyweight championship. Cassius would go on to convert to Islam, change his name, dodge the draft, and gain international recognition as a Great American. Seems incongruous now, doesn't it? On this day in 1982, the final episode of The Lawrence Welk Show airs. Bubbles ensue. February 26 On this day in 1616, the Spanish Inquisition delivers an injunction against Galileo. Contrary to popular myth, he'd been expecting it. On this day in 1848, Marx and Engels publish their Communist Manifesto. Commies ensue. On this day in 1930, the first ever red/green traffic lights are installed in Manhattan, New York. Hundreds of commuters perish in horrific head-ons as most drivers are hypnotized by these beautiful, mysterious, luminous street ornaments.

THEY SAID IT! "Just as a stopped clock tells the right time twice a day, even a Christian Fundamentalist gets a savvy notion every now and then. I think Reverend Robertson had a good idea when he suggested replacing war with assassination in one case, on economic grounds. He merely didn't carry the concept far enough. I suggest that we should abolish war utterly and replace it entirely with selective assassination. … On the moral side, killing a few dozen foreigners a year instead of a few hundred thousand should seem less messy, to say the least of it, especially when you consider the collateral damage to our own side. How much blood and death do we need? … And, best of all, if this idea catches on internationally we can expect at least 50 contracts on George Bush the first week." - Thank Godzilla the inimitable and irrepressible Robert Anton Wilson is too old to give a fuck about Homeland Security goons kicking down his door. *** **** *** "What Bode Miller is to Olympic triumph, George Bush is to Presidential history, flopping off the slick course of national politics like James Buchanan in Team USA spandex." - Does this essay by Tom Watson inject sports into politics, or vice versa? You be the judge. All I know is, the comparison seems apt.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Kerusty! An Irish priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees. The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says, "No". He baits the hook for the priest and says, "Give it a shot, Father." After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it into the boat. The fisherman catches a glimpse of it and says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!" The priest says,"Uh, please, the Lord is watching would you please mind your language?" "I'm sorry father," says the fisherman, thinking quickly, "but that's what this fish is called - a fucker!" "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know," the priest replies. After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop. "Look at this big fucker, Bishop." Shocked, the bishop says, "Please, mind your language; this is a house of God." "No, you don't understand", explains the priest, "that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this fucker!" "Hmmm, you know, I could clean this fucker and we could have it for dinner!" exclaims the bishop. So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the Mother Superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My lord, what language!" she says. "No, Sister," he explains "that's what the fish is called - a fucker! Father caught the fucker, I cleaned the fucker, and we'd like you to cook the fucker." Relieved, Mother Superior says, "Sure. I'll cook that fucker tonight." That night, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the fucker!" the priest cries proudly. "And I cleaned the fucker!" cries the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" finished the Mother Superior. There's absolute silence, and the Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then lets out a huge fart, takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, lights up a cigarette, pours himself a whisky and says, "You fuckers are alright!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Jim Eby for sending in today's second joke. First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his student. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention"! WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Mike J... A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?" Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." "What's that mean?" asked the child. "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block." The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: A BETTER ALTERNATIVE TO OLD FOLKS HOMES care of: N8Possibilities About 2 months ago, me and a couple of friends were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess Cruise Liner. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ship's officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed to know this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the cruise liner, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back. As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand..." She replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home." So, since then, I have decided that there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135. per day. That leaves $65. a day for: 1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day. 2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week)...no extra charge. 3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night...all at my disposal. 4. They have free toothpaste, razors, soap and shampoo and hand lotion. 5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. Oh, and an extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you. 6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days. 7. TV not working? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? ....No problem! They will fix or replace everything and apologize for your inconvenience. 8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them. 9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life. Now hold on for the best... Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go when you are ready to see the world in style! So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship. - N8Possibilities PS: And, don't forget, when you die - they just dump you over the side at no charge. [Nursing homes cost $200 a day?! Where... on the moon?! - Jerky] FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! MOPJ, This story again shows that the message must remain in front of the sheep. Tell a lie often enough and they will believe. YOP, Bob [Yes, Orrin "the roarin' Mormon moron" Hatch rides again. He's one of the worst criminals in government today. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; How many Virgins did the Arabs promise to Bush to get the Port Deal? SingleM29 [I believe 72 is the favored number on that score. - Jerky] *** **** *** A few last questions about Cheney's shooting incident. 1. Did he get the bird he was shooting at? 2. Did he eat it? 3. Will it be mounted? 4. And by whom? 5. Was this a taxpayer funded holiday? Biker [1. Dunno. 2. Dick Cheney doesn't eat game, he just likes to kill it. Besides, he's on a special diet of babymeat and orphan's tears. 3. Only if it has a big enough hole on it. 4. Is that a rhetorical question? 5. Of course it was. - Jerky] *** **** *** Hey Jerky; Now that Greenland is melting, doesnt this mean that the republicans will have more water to pollute and nay-say the environmental issues even more? Jay Cheeto [Yup. Just like in Waterworld! - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ - Here's a place you can practice before you hit the fields. -- Thanks, Vito [That was fun. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, Just thought your American readers might find this interesting. YOP, Bob [...or terrifying. - Jerky] *** **** *** J, My uncle would "reefer" to ya as a left-hander with no filter or name. Lay your hands on any year of Haynes and Chilton`s Auto Repair Manuals for the same make & model of vehicle, read them from cover to cover... it ain`t crucial but if there`s a salvage yard in the area stroll through it to capture the mental picture each one is projecting. If ya really want full return on your about $30 investment buy the ones for YOUR shitbox, fix just one thing without shop labor or tow expenses has to nearly parrot the feeling when you realized the old man let go of the seat and you was peddling solo for the first time, (least ways that`s the Norman Rockwell image I tote on account of besides being crowned a big "A" Asshole I have official claim to the title of Bastard, at any rate this should be mandated for both political parties not to mention the potential this has as a tool in restoring basic education. Frost & Shakspeare and other long-haired college course material teaches this same principle but, (I`m only guessing and hoping that like myself) most guys never thought about fucking thier mothers either or considered toting around a friends skull while babbling poetry at it! yop Druid Athiest [I think you forgot to close a parentheses in there somewhere. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com